jealousy

yucky.
i rarely have it but every once in a while my insecurities rear their ugly heads and i feel - gulp - jealous. i know...so stupid right? for me it is never about a tangible item it is about relationships. i.e. wow i can't believe my friend would do that for that person when i know my friend wouldn't do that for me. even reading that line makes me so annoyed and irritated at myself. but it's true. how do we value ourselves. a lot of times it is based on the quality of our relationships. however the component that i tend to leave out is the reality of the full scope. often times what i am upset about in a relationship really has nothing to do with that relationship. normally it is about the other person and what they can or can not do and 9 times out of 10 has absolutely nothing to do with me . bleh.
i know who my friends are and who loves me but there are those days when your not feeling oh so special and a little dull that you think huh, i wish i had a different kind of relationship. yep, i have a feeling what i am experiencing right now has a tad bit to do with a slice case of the good old pms.
i think i''ll call a friend and see what their up to!

goals

i always seem to have some kind of goal i am working on. the last couple months the emphasis has been on exercise. i keep a calendar in my kitchen and i mark off what i have done that day - y (yoga), t (trx), j (jogging on trampoline). it motivates me to keep going. but one of the goals that seems to have slipped in the last couple month is my daily blog postings.
january, i posted 31 times. february, i posted 28 times. march, i posted 26 times. april, i posted 13 times. may, i posted 11 times. wow, things really have made a drastic drop. not good. my original purpose for this blog was to work on my writing skills. that evolved into just getting my daily thoughts out of my head. and on occasion i have posted organizing tips. it is time for me to re-commit and get back on the blogging bandwagon.
i am heading to mexico for a week so i am going to use that opportunity to explore my writing skills. hopefully i can get past my own critical self and can just press publish. it is a hard one. i have several friends who are incredibly talented writers and well, that's not me. i just gotta let that one go.
aha moment...i just rememberd...in order to make blogging happen...i gotta put it on my calendar! i mean who doesn't like marking a check mark next to a do item? ;)

will i be at my fighting weight

so for the last two months i have upped my game - better nutrition and more exercise - aka not just yoga. i set as my goal that on the day i leave for my yoga retreat i would get on the scale to see if my hard work has paid off. but now i panic. is that a good idea? what if the number on the scale hasn't move? i know it has but still that could really make me upset. should i wait until when i get back? but what if i gain weight in mexico?
can we say neurotic?
oh my gosh, how is this possible that a number on the scale is making me freak out?
ok screw it...weighing in day on june 22nd was the plan so i am sticking to it.
i wonder if my scale in the bathroom is accurate...and i digress!

just show up

recently i headed down to l.a. for my friend katie's dad's funeral. it was such a special day and i truly felt blessed to be there. t.y. was a special man and his reach of friendship and love extended broad and wide. i can see where katie gets her good natured loving charm. i am so grateful that i could be there to support her and share back the love she has shared with me.
i realized that although i have experienced the deaths of close family members and friends that in some ways i am lucky. having experienced difficult loss, i am also thankful that i understand how important it is to show up.  my incredibly wonderful dad died when i was 30 years old. it was probably the worst time of my life. even now i cry thinking about it. but i remember so clearly being at the funeral home for the wake, my dad in the open casket and groups of people standing around talking. for the life of me i could not imagine what anyone could possibly talk about. and then i looked across the room and my college friend katherine riley walked in the room. she showed up. i knew i didn't have to say anything to her but her presence made me feel almost normal again. she was there for me. i didn't know it but i needed it.
i think that experience and a few others really shaped the person who i am today.  i made a very clear and conscious decision that regardless of the circumstances (travel, finances, work) that if i am ever needed by a friend or a family member that i will show up. thank you katherine riley for sharing with me what it truly means to be a friend.
so i dedicate this post to t.y. hayes - you were an incredible person - a loving husband, dad, grandfather and friend. you will be missed by your amazing hayes clan but certainly not forgotten.
rest in peace t.y.

vulnerability

vulnerability:
susceptible to physical emotional or injury
susceptible to attack
open to censure or criticism; assailable


on occasion i notice my mind picks up on a thought and it gets repeated and presented to me over and over. lately i have been seeing the word vulnerability and the importance of having the courage to allow myself to be vulnerable.  it is truly a life changing ability.

i started the above post while away for the memorial holiday weekend...slightly buzzed. i wonder what my big aha moment was going to be. as you can see i only got so far.

and then tonight my friend samantha asked me if i ever heard of brene brown...ding ding...memory flash....blog post not completed.

oh well. guess i need to check out brene's ted talk, blog and books. i'll get back to you on courage and vulnerability real soon.


cheers!

june

things i want to do this month:

get myself ready for yoga retreat - questionnaires from all people, itinerary and plans and all things guests will need for retreat, gifts for guests
connection with susan about the yoga week
rebecca's birthday celebration time
organizing sessions to create income
teaching 2-3 yoga classes
read 2 books

the mind is funny

couple months in to work out routine - every other day trx classes and opposing day yoga classes. working on eating real foods with occasional treats along the way. well in the past week i have been getting positive feedback to the point of someone calling me down right slim! i have never been heavy but let's just say i would survive a couple days with out food. so what's the point of this post? a pat on my back you say. nope.
the point is the power of the mind. what do i do first thing i get the chance to do post compliments - eat sugar fattening desserts. i was at a reception after a funeral and there were also sorts of cakes and cookies. i saw a super thin olive oil shaped older lady eating dessert and thought someone said i was thin so now i can eat this too. nuts. is that self sabotage? i don't know. but i am glad i can see it and now  move on.
thank goodness i had an early morning exercise class this morning to get me back on track. i have two more weeks to my yoga retreat and i want to be in fighting healthy shape!
happy friday people.