rest in peace

i found out today on facebook that my friend gabby died.
there was a post on a yoga page saying "you will be missed". i called the owner and said, what does that mean. he said she's dead. she killed herself.
that was at 10 am this morning. it is now 2.  i have no idea what to do.
at first i was in shock. "i can't believe she did this"...i heard myself saying.
then i was mad "how could she do this"
then i wanted answers - i called a friend "why do you think she did this"
and  then after that - just trying to make sense of it "what should i do to remember her"

i can't answer any of the above.
these are the facts i know.
gabby had a great smile and a contagious laugh.
she liked to chew gum. i just saw a photo of her smiling and could spot the tiniest piece of gum - kind of blended into her teeth.
she was kind.
she struggled with bulimia.
she wanted to be well. she was constantly working to create the life she wanted. i believed she was on her way.
she loved yoga, health, fitness.
she enjoyed being a yoga teacher and helping people.
she was known as bendy. yes, she had a great yoga practices.
she loved giving people knick names.
getting a hand made card from gabby was always special. she would draw rainbows and sprinkles on her cards.
she was sweet, kind, nice, sensitive, loving.
she loved her family and was so excited to become an aunt.
she had a good heart.
she was my friend.
i will miss her.

rest in peace gabby. i don't know why you wanted to go but i know you were loved and i hope you are in a better place.

love your friend, angie

confrontation

i have a fear of confrontation or the perception that confrontation will happen. recently i was in a business deal with an person and it felt like i was getting charged too much for the service i was purchasing.  .we have done business in the past and the prices for the same service was now much higher - to the tune of $600. now this person is a stickler to policy and i was focused on following the guidelines he had sent me. then i got the bill. really, $600 more and no explanation? i took a deep breath, sent a note and that asked him to explain. his was response stated that i had to ask for a special deal. huh, this was not a special deal. i was confused.  in the same response he also said he would credit me back the  $600. i could have responded with the "no where does it say i have to ask for this special deal"...but instead a simple thank you was what i gave. i got what i wanted and nothing more was needed.
lesson learned. don't anticipate how the other person is going to respond. act on what i feel is right and do it with honesty and integrity. i can't control how the other person will rill, only me. and hey, it was worth the 600 bucks.

why practice yoga?

another person's perspective on practicing yoga. enjoy!

For all of Derrick Green’s dreams about being an elite running back, the only trait he had developed by the summer of 2010 was quick feet.

So everything had to change.

Entering his sophomore year of high school, Green and his stepfather looked at a number of elite tailbacks and overhauled his life. Better diet. Better training. Better work ethic.

And there was a challenge from his mother.

“My mom gave me a choice of either Bikram yoga or ballet, so I chose yoga,” Green said of the “hot yoga” that forces the body to adapt. “It definitely helped me a lot on and off the field as far as staying focused on my breathing. I’m definitely more flexible and just the whole mental part on the field, yoga has helped me tremendously.”

Bikram yoga become a critical part of his routine — one he may bring to Michigan when he arrives the third week of June, joining his new U-M freshman football teammates in Ann Arbor.

“The physical is just the flexibility,” Green said. “Being in that room, 105 degrees for an hour and a half, it gets to you. You’ve just got to fight through it, and you’ll definitely see the results.”

That breathing may come in handy off the field as well. Green, who became Rivals’ No. 1-rated tailback nationally at Richmond (Va.) Hermitage, will probably need something to help with the pressure and attention headed his way.

He’s about to compete for one of the most tradition-rich spots in major college football: Michigan tailback.

The greats at U-M have come in all sizes — from diminutive Jamie Morris and Mike Hart, to slender but powerful Chris Perry, to bulldozer Anthony Thomas.

Greatness is waiting for Green after former starter Fitz Toussaint broke his leg late last season, and none of the potential replacements (Justice Hayes, Thomas Rawls, Drake Johnson and Dennis Norfleet) seized the job in the spring.

“You can play a freshman running back as long as you don’t inundate him with so much information that it becomes disinformation,” U-M offensive coordinator Al Borges said in mid-May. “I’ve had a bunch of tailbacks come in and play as freshman. But by the fifth, sixth, seventh game of the season they could handle all of it.”

That’s what Green said he heard from running backs coach Fred Jackson, who was his lead recruiter, and from Borges, explaining that there is an opportunity, not a promise.

“It definitely motivates me and drives me to go hard 24-7,” Green said. “I know the spot’s available, so I’m going to do everything in my power. Nothing needs to be said. I’m just ready to get out there and get the spot.”

That commitment is what intrigued the Wolverines. A player gets ranked as the nation’s best back by having 4.4 speed at 215 pounds, not only breaking through tackles but running away from defenders — everything built from transforming his body.

“A couple years ago, I was weighing in at 268-270, running about a 5-flat (40 yard dash),” Green said. “But I was always real quick and fast. Going into my sophomore summer, I lost all the weight, I got down to 215, I started running 4.3s and I was working out everyday, watching what I was eating. I just knew at the next level I couldn’t be a productive running back at 268, running a 5-flat.

“I did everything in my power to make that whole transition.”

Sports writer Shawn Windsor contributed to this report.
Contact Mark Snyder: msnyder@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @mark__snyder.

jealousy

yucky.
i rarely have it but every once in a while my insecurities rear their ugly heads and i feel - gulp - jealous. i know...so stupid right? for me it is never about a tangible item it is about relationships. i.e. wow i can't believe my friend would do that for that person when i know my friend wouldn't do that for me. even reading that line makes me so annoyed and irritated at myself. but it's true. how do we value ourselves. a lot of times it is based on the quality of our relationships. however the component that i tend to leave out is the reality of the full scope. often times what i am upset about in a relationship really has nothing to do with that relationship. normally it is about the other person and what they can or can not do and 9 times out of 10 has absolutely nothing to do with me . bleh.
i know who my friends are and who loves me but there are those days when your not feeling oh so special and a little dull that you think huh, i wish i had a different kind of relationship. yep, i have a feeling what i am experiencing right now has a tad bit to do with a slice case of the good old pms.
i think i''ll call a friend and see what their up to!

goals

i always seem to have some kind of goal i am working on. the last couple months the emphasis has been on exercise. i keep a calendar in my kitchen and i mark off what i have done that day - y (yoga), t (trx), j (jogging on trampoline). it motivates me to keep going. but one of the goals that seems to have slipped in the last couple month is my daily blog postings.
january, i posted 31 times. february, i posted 28 times. march, i posted 26 times. april, i posted 13 times. may, i posted 11 times. wow, things really have made a drastic drop. not good. my original purpose for this blog was to work on my writing skills. that evolved into just getting my daily thoughts out of my head. and on occasion i have posted organizing tips. it is time for me to re-commit and get back on the blogging bandwagon.
i am heading to mexico for a week so i am going to use that opportunity to explore my writing skills. hopefully i can get past my own critical self and can just press publish. it is a hard one. i have several friends who are incredibly talented writers and well, that's not me. i just gotta let that one go.
aha moment...i just rememberd...in order to make blogging happen...i gotta put it on my calendar! i mean who doesn't like marking a check mark next to a do item? ;)

will i be at my fighting weight

so for the last two months i have upped my game - better nutrition and more exercise - aka not just yoga. i set as my goal that on the day i leave for my yoga retreat i would get on the scale to see if my hard work has paid off. but now i panic. is that a good idea? what if the number on the scale hasn't move? i know it has but still that could really make me upset. should i wait until when i get back? but what if i gain weight in mexico?
can we say neurotic?
oh my gosh, how is this possible that a number on the scale is making me freak out?
ok screw it...weighing in day on june 22nd was the plan so i am sticking to it.
i wonder if my scale in the bathroom is accurate...and i digress!

just show up

recently i headed down to l.a. for my friend katie's dad's funeral. it was such a special day and i truly felt blessed to be there. t.y. was a special man and his reach of friendship and love extended broad and wide. i can see where katie gets her good natured loving charm. i am so grateful that i could be there to support her and share back the love she has shared with me.
i realized that although i have experienced the deaths of close family members and friends that in some ways i am lucky. having experienced difficult loss, i am also thankful that i understand how important it is to show up.  my incredibly wonderful dad died when i was 30 years old. it was probably the worst time of my life. even now i cry thinking about it. but i remember so clearly being at the funeral home for the wake, my dad in the open casket and groups of people standing around talking. for the life of me i could not imagine what anyone could possibly talk about. and then i looked across the room and my college friend katherine riley walked in the room. she showed up. i knew i didn't have to say anything to her but her presence made me feel almost normal again. she was there for me. i didn't know it but i needed it.
i think that experience and a few others really shaped the person who i am today.  i made a very clear and conscious decision that regardless of the circumstances (travel, finances, work) that if i am ever needed by a friend or a family member that i will show up. thank you katherine riley for sharing with me what it truly means to be a friend.
so i dedicate this post to t.y. hayes - you were an incredible person - a loving husband, dad, grandfather and friend. you will be missed by your amazing hayes clan but certainly not forgotten.
rest in peace t.y.