Wednesday, June 19, 2013

sometimes you just need to ask for help

i have realized that i am walking around like a zombie. part of me feels i need to engage with others and part of me wants to tell them to all fuck off. pretty extreme i know.
i need to talk to someone. thankfully a former yoga student is a therapist and she is going to meet with me on thursday. i need her to talk to me about people with depression. i need to understand. i need to process my own feelings. and i need to do this before i leave on saturday to host a yoga retreat in mexico. i just know i need to get some of this stuff out.
knowing that i am going to talk to someone already in a way makes me feel better.

moving forward

i may never understand why my dear sweet friend decided to end her life. some experts say from reports by people who survived their suicide attempts was that they didn't want to die instead they just didn't want to live.
i will never forget my friend and now my mind needs to make sense of doing something positive for my friend. i sent an email to gabby's best friend about having a day of celebration around the world.  i learned that the family needs time no to grieve and then when they are ready they will have a celebration of gabby's life. gabby through her yoga teachings, massage treatments and the endless retreats, seminars, travels she had friends around the world. so i thought on the day that gabby's family has the memorial celebration that her friends around the world can get together on that same day to celebrate. there can be picnics, parties, any kind of event in that local area that would celebrate the wonderful spirit of gabby.
i don't want to remember my friend in sadness but in warmth and love.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

it comes like waves

maybe this is a tad how gabby felt.
i am washing clothes and now i am crying. the sadness comes on like a wave. i can't predict it. i can't control it. i can't stop it.
a friend shared his experience with depression. i don't totally understand it but i am trying to.
after the sadness seems to pass, i just feel numb.
i know i have to stop trying to understand.

suicide


i just want to understand...

Psychiatrist: I hate suicide but also understand it

By Charles Raison, Special to CNN
updated 11:40 AM EDT, Tue August 21, 2012
Film director Tony Scott left notes in his car and office before plunging to his death, a coroner's official said.
Film director Tony Scott left notes in his car and office before plunging to his death, a coroner's official said.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • Most people who commit suicide are losing a battle against major depression, psychiatrist says
  • These suicides can haunt and hurt most of all, Dr. Charles Raison says
  • Depression-related suicides cast a long shadow over relatives and friends, Raison says
  • Talking about suicide with someone can decrease the chance of it happening, he says
Editor's note: Dr. Charles Raison, CNNhealth's mental health expert, is an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Arizona in Tucson.
(CNN) -- I got a terrible shock when I heard the news that the famous director Tony Scott had apparently committed suicide by jumping off the Vincent Thomas Bridge in San Pedro, California.
Not because I knew Scott, and certainly not because it is a rare thing for people who seem to "have it all" nonetheless to kill themselves.
No, I got a shock because I knew the bridge.
For the better part of a decade, I trained and then worked as a psychiatrist in Los Angeles. For several of those years, I did psychotherapy with a young woman who drove over that same bridge every day. The bridge became almost a third person in our work together, because she talked about it constantly.
Dr. Charles Raison
Dr. Charles Raison
Every morning and then again every evening she faced huge anxiety as she approached its yawning span because it was all she could do not to stop her car and throw herself off it. Just seeing that bridge made all her pain and despair intensify, and it came to represent everything that was wrong with her life.
On the other hand, it's a beautiful structure, in an industrial sort of way, and it also seemed beautiful to her because it was always there, silently waiting, always offering an easy out. When things were really bad, she'd drive 20 miles out of her way just to avoid that bridge and the terrible temptation to jump or crash her car off the side.

Director Tony Scott dies

Scott called more 'reflective' recently

'Top Gun' director Tony Scott dies
Fortunately, my patient avoided Scott's fate. She came to grips with a history of abuse and her depression eased. She married and left Los Angeles. I also left Los Angeles, but a few years ago, I returned to the San Pedro area to give a talk and crossed that bridge with a mixture of relief and distress.
It is that strange mixture of relief and distress that characterizes many of the responses to Scott's apparent suicide that have been posted on CNN.com.
Many comments come from family members of people who have committed suicide, some defending the loved one's decision, others decrying it as the ultimate selfish act. Although I've spent my life battling suicide, I find myself empathizing with both points of view.
Perhaps the first thing to say about suicide is that people make suicide attempts for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes people want to die, or half want to die.
But just as often in my experience, suicide attempts are a cry for help, or a way to punish people they are upset with, or a means of controlling a situation. I've known more than a few married people who kept a husband or wife from walking out on them, at least for a while, by making a suicide gesture.
On the other hand, people really only kill themselves for three reasons.
Occasionally people will commit suicide because they are facing some incurable condition that promises a brief future filled with nothing but pain.
Although many mental health clinicians will disagree vociferously with me, I have seen suicides that I felt were in this sense justified. For example, I knew a grand old fellow who, in the midst of unbearable physical pain from inoperable cancer, took his life when he had a life expectancy of two to three months.
Occasionally people will commit suicide because they are psychotic and believe they must die for some reason that makes no sense to anyone else. I had a patient once who made a very serious suicide attempt because she believed that if she died, the mysterious private investigators who were stalking her would leave her family alone.
These types of suicides are heartbreaking, because they are so futile and can often be prevented by appropriate treatment.
The vast majority of people who choose methods of suicide that are almost guaranteed to succeed -- like a gun to the head or a plunge from a high bridge -- do so because of they are losing a battle against major depression. These are the suicides that haunt and hurt worst of all, and that almost to a person are the most tragic.
I hate suicide.
I've been fortunate that suicide does not run in my family. But it runs in lots and lots of families and I've known -- and known of -- more people who have killed themselves than I can easily count.
There was the shy kid who shot himself in high school, the young punk who drove his car off a particularly bad curve, the wonderful hard-working father of the class valedictorian, and various in-laws across a couple of marriages.
And those are just people from my personal life. Like any psychiatrist who deals with the severely mentally ill, my life is littered with memories of folks who threw themselves off high buildings, hanged themselves in dark closets or slit their throats in dusky gardens.
But as much as I hate suicide, I also understand it. One of the things people have repeatedly posted in comments responding to Scott's death is that you can't weigh in on why someone might commit suicide unless you've really had your life torn apart by an episode of major depression.
I agree.
Severe major depression is probably the most unbearable pain a human being can withstand for any protracted period of time. Many people who died of cancer have written eloquently about how the crushing pain from their tumors paled in comparison to the pain they felt when depressed.
With all other pain, most people can maintain some sense of separation between themselves and the pain. As horrible as it is, the pain is in their arm, or leg, or belly or head. But there is still a "them" that is separate from the misery.
Depression is different. Because it is at its essence a perceptual disorder, it causes one to see the entire world as pain. It feels painful inside, but it also feels painful outside.
When a person is depressed, the entire world is disturbed and distressed, so there is nowhere to escape. And it is this fact that makes suicide so seductive, because it seems to offer the one available escape option.
There are at least two reasons why suicide in response to major depression is so horrible and so tragic. First, although our treatments for depression are far from perfect, they are nonetheless effective enough to help the vast majority of depressed people feel well enough to forgo killing themselves.
And even when treatment is not particularly effective, depression often passes on its own accord. It is not an incurable cancer that offers a guaranteed foreshortened future of unbearable pain. Because of this, depressed people kill themselves over something that would have lifted had they just been able to hang in there.
The other reason depression-driven suicides are so tragic and terrible is because they cast such long shadows on families and other loved ones.
Children especially suffer. They grow up wondering why, and whether they could have done something, and whether they'll have to struggle with the same urges.
I think of people I have known in this situation, and I have to think of something else to keep from tearing up as I write this. More than once I've "guilted" acutely suicidal patients into not killing themselves for the sake of their children and have done so with a clear conscience.
We may or may never know why Scott apparently killed himself, but we can be sure that his family and friends will spend many years wondering what they might have done to have protected him. This is part of the painful legacy left by suicide, and my heart goes out to them.
In fact, even psychiatrists have a difficult time predicting when someone is at heightened risk for suicide. In part, this comes from the fact that many people who really want to kill themselves keep their mouths shut about it and just go do it. In part, it comes from the fact that suicide is often an impulsive act driven by acute and unpredictable increases in anxiety and despair that one cannot predict in advance.
For families and friends worried about the suicidal potential of a loved one, there are a few useful pieces of advice I can offer from the research literature, such as it is.
First, older men are more likely by far than other people to kill themselves.
Second, people who kill themselves often will tell someone ahead of time. Any such communications should be taken with utmost seriousness, and all efforts should be made to keep the person safe and get him or her to appropriate treatment immediately.
Third, even over the suicidal person's objections, the means for committing suicide should be removed from the environment. Guns should be taken out of the house. Pain pills should be taken elsewhere.
Fourth, studies conducted over the last 20 years suggest that the biggest short-term risk for depressed people to kill themselves is the development of unbearable anxiety. If a loved one with depression begins to pace the floors or do other things suggesting that they are becoming consumed with terror, panic or dread, the risk for suicide shoots up.
Finally, it is not true that talking about suicide increases the likelihood it will happen. In fact, studies suggest the opposite.
So if you have a loved one with depression who is struggling with the will to live, one of the best things you can do -- over and above getting them immediate health care -- is to check in with them regularly and honestly and act if their drive to die intensifies.

was it depression?

i have been reading articles about suicide. i know pretty morbid but i need to learn about it to try to understand.

here is one article.


Patrick J. Skerrett

Suicide often not preceded by warnings

A close friend of one of my colleagues committed suicide last week. It happened as so many suicides do—out of the blue. A few days earlier, my colleague had spent the day hanging out with her friend, who was relaxed, upbeat, and normal.
Sadly, that’s not uncommon. “Many people who commit suicide do so without letting on they are thinking about it or planning it,” says Dr. Michael Miller, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
More than 100 Americans commit suicide every day. It’s the tenth leading cause of death overall; third among 15- to 24-year-olds and fourth among 25- to 44-year-olds.
Although some people who commit suicide have an identifiable mental health problem, like depression or addiction, others don’t. Some talk about wanting or planning to kill themselves or give other hints, others don’t. As my colleague Annmarie Dadoly wrote in this blog last year, many suicides are impulsive acts, with the decision to do it being made just minutes or hours before that act.
What prompts a person to take his or her life? No one really knows—experts never get to talk to people who have committed suicide. They can only talk to those who are contemplating suicide or who survive it. By definition, that is a different group.
Every suicide, like every person, is different. Many are sparked by intense feelings of anger, despair, hopelessness, or panic. Things that can put an individual at a higher risk for suicide in the short term include:
  • an episode of depression, psychosis, or anxiety
  • a significant loss, such as the death of a partner or the loss of a job
  • a personal crisis or life stress, especially one that increases a sense of isolation or leads to a loss of self-esteem, such as a breakup or divorce
  • loss of social support, for example, because of a move or when a close friend relocates
  • an illness or medication that triggers a change in mood
  • exposure to the suicidal behaviors of others, such as friends, peers, or celebrities.
We all face crises or problems like these. One difference is that among individuals who take their own lives, these situations cause such pain or hopelessness they can’t see any other way out.

No warnings

Suicide almost always raises anguished questions among family members and friends left behind: What did I miss? What could I have done? In my friend’s case, the answers are nothing and nothing.
“Many people never let on what they are feeling or planning. The paradox is that the people who are most intent on committing suicide know that they have to keep their plans to themselves if they are to carry out the act,” says Dr. Miller. “Thus, the people most in need of help may be the toughest to save.”
Some suicides (and suicide attempts), though, don’t come completely out of the blue. Some people — including those who are more ambivalent about suicide — consciously or unconsciously drop hints. Here are a few behaviors that may put friends and family on notice that the risk of suicide is on the rise (adapted from HelpGuide.org):
  • Talking about suicide: Statements like “I’d be better off dead” or “If I see you again…,”
  • Seeking the means: Trying to get access to guns, pills, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.
  • No hope for the future: Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped, or believing that things will never get better.
  • Self-loathing: Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred.
  • Getting affairs in order: Giving away prized possessions or making arrangements for family members.
  • Saying goodbye: Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends; saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
People who exhibit these signs are often communicating their distress, hoping to get a response. This is very useful information that shouldn’t be ignored.
If you think a loved one or friend might hurt himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK. Counselors are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential.
But when individuals suddenly take their own lives with no warning, all we can do is look to each other for support. It may be natural to ask, “What did I miss?” But we should remind ourselves what experts say: This kind of death defies prediction. (The American Association of Suicidology offers helpful resources for survivors of those who committed suicide.)

i keep looking at her pictures

gabby once told me she hated when people posted on her facebook wall. and now she is gone and it is the only place for people to connect to her. i keep going back to the page over and over thinking i will see something. i don't know what i will see but something.
i did connect a few things. from her photos i connected to her best friend. she shared that Gabby was at her family home when she passed away. from a post i learned that a funeral home was contacted and that the family had a private service. gabby was cremated. they want to have a celebration service at another time. the friend also told me that. she said the family is just in a terrible state of grief and they want to wait until they are ready to celebrate gabby.
i even saw a short 10 second video of her plugging a retreat she went on. i only could watch it two times. seemed strange.
yesterday wherever i went i saw women that resembled gabby. i heard one woman share with her friend that she was on some kind of medication for her anxiety. she didn't like taking it but it helped. i wonder what was gabby feeling.
i wonder if i could have done more. i don't think so. i imagine everyone asks themselves that. i think gabby and i had a pretty good supportive friendship.
5 days ago she was alive. all of this makes no sense to me and i think perhaps it never will.

Monday, June 17, 2013

wishing it was a dream

i fell asleep - late afternoon nap...that was after saying over and over "this can't be real. it must be a bad dream".
then i took a nap and had a dream about trying to have a memorial service for gabby. woke up groggy with a tummy ache. checked facebook. the sad posts continued. "we mill you gabby",  they all said.
but i still hoped maybe it possibly hopefully could be still all a bad dream.
it 9:46 pm. i am going to sleep. please let this be one long dream. just a reminder to check in on my friend. let her know i am thinking about her. that she is loved. this is not how she is supposed to leave this world.
please let this not be real.

it is a new day and the reality is my friend is gone. i heard from gabby's best girlfriend that she had returned to her parents home a couple weeks ago. she took her life there. her family has completely shut down. no memorial service, at least not for now. they need to heal a bit and then will have a celebration service of gabby. oh my dear sweet friend, you must have been in a lot of pain. i won't ever know what it was and i am so sorry you felt you had no other choice. i loved you very much.