wishing it was a dream

i fell asleep - late afternoon nap...that was after saying over and over "this can't be real. it must be a bad dream".
then i took a nap and had a dream about trying to have a memorial service for gabby. woke up groggy with a tummy ache. checked facebook. the sad posts continued. "we mill you gabby",  they all said.
but i still hoped maybe it possibly hopefully could be still all a bad dream.
it 9:46 pm. i am going to sleep. please let this be one long dream. just a reminder to check in on my friend. let her know i am thinking about her. that she is loved. this is not how she is supposed to leave this world.
please let this not be real.

it is a new day and the reality is my friend is gone. i heard from gabby's best girlfriend that she had returned to her parents home a couple weeks ago. she took her life there. her family has completely shut down. no memorial service, at least not for now. they need to heal a bit and then will have a celebration service of gabby. oh my dear sweet friend, you must have been in a lot of pain. i won't ever know what it was and i am so sorry you felt you had no other choice. i loved you very much.